As a parent, educator, or caregiver, have you ever noticed yourself
behaving in ways that don’t align with your core beliefs?
Let’s paint a picture to illustrate this more clearly.
Imagine:
Sam and his child, Tasha, are heading to the local park. As they walk through the gate, there it is: the glistening yellow slide, the monkey bars, the miniature rock climbing wall, the gently-swaying swing set. Sam looks down at Tasha and sees her face radiating with pure joy. It’s palpable. Tasha can’t seem to contain her excitement for another moment–and she breaks out into a full-blown sprint towards the jungle gym. Sam, too, fills with a thrilling rush as he witnesses Tasha’s contagious enthusiasm. Then, as if out of nowhere, a sense of discomfort cloaks the moment and Sam finds himself shouting “Wait a minute! Be careful…”
In this moment, Sam’s fears and “what ifs” rise to the surface of his consciousness: “what if they fall off the monkey bars–they’re so high!”, “I remember when Tasha bumped her head on that slide”, “what if there’s broken glass in the sandbox?”… and on and on.
Images of past and future have come into his focus, and Sam is so consumed with fear that he now finds himself hovering over Tasha as she attempts to play. When she is out of his immediate reach, Sam decides to offer ongoing, well-intentioned warnings.
Perhaps you’ve found yourself in a similar situation at one time or another. What’s happening in these moments? Why did Sam find himself shifting from genuine enthusiasm to impending doom?
A few factors are at play in these common occurrences, so let’s unpack this further.
before WE say or do “the thing”
As a caregiver, in the moments before we say or do something that causes inner tension, we sometimes get a brief moment of clarity. In the illustration, Sam briefly felt sincere excitement and anticipation for the rich, playful experiences that lie ahead for Tasha. Why? Because Sam strongly believes in the necessity of benefits of vigorous activity, the power of outdoor experiences for children, and the insights that risky play offer children about their limits and capabilities. And, perhaps Sam is just fully present with Tasha and celebrating this joyful moment.
Before we say or do “the thing” that causes inner tension, we are aligned. We see the experience with clarity and understand how it meets up with the our truest beliefs about the situation. We are present…even if just briefly. Sam was momentarily aligned with the present moment before the “what ifs” crept in. And, in that time, he was able to connect with Tasha. As a result, their delight was a shared experience and they could truly connect.
(( It is important to note that sometimes these moments are so brief, they escape our awareness altogether. But as we learn to pay attention, to be present with ourselves, they gain space in our awareness and become increasingly observable. ))
When we do notice these instances, recognize that this is the “true self”–what you deeply know, believe, and understand. It’s the place we want to operate from as a caregiver.
the moment When We say or do “The thing”
Then, we did it. We did the thing, and then thought “why on earth did I just do that?”. Immediately, we feel conflicted. We’ve lost our peace.
When we find ourselves in situations with children where our words or actions don’t reflect our “best selves”–that time we became frustrated and raised our voice–when we rush a child out the door to school–when we interrupt an upset child and say “you’re fine”–when we find ourselves stopping a child from climbing that tree–etc.–we might first notice our body has a visceral response, like: tension in the neck and back, raised shoulders, clenched jaws, a tight throat, or something of that nature. This is a clue. It’s our body’s way of telling us that we are experiencing stress. (PS..How lucky are we to have this wise, natural alarm system? ?)
So, why are we stressed? Because, in that moment, our deepest truths/beliefs/understandings don’t align with our words or behaviour. They don’t match. In other words, we can’t say “be careful…don’t do that!” if we truly believe the experience is rich, valuable, important, necessary,…or simply an inevitable part of growing up.
Why we do “the thing” & how to Live what we’ve learned
So, then why do we find ourselves thinking, speaking, and behaving in ‘less-than-desirable’ ways?
Remember when I mentioned that Sam started to envision the past and future? He recalled when Tasha had hurt herself on the jungle gym in the past…and started to imagine how she might hurt herself again. It’s that simple–we are afraid. For Sam, when he started to project his fears onto Tasha, he began to limit her experience.
We are no longer present, because we are lost in our “what ifs” and projections of what could happen. It’s not that the situation was a likely threat to Tasha…it’s that Sam believed the narrative of fear-based images running through his mind…and reacted to that story, not reality. The reality is that Tasha was fine, he was fine, they were at the park, and Tasha was joyfully scurrying to the play equipment.
Did our words and actions come from good intentions? Probably. We don’t want children to get hurt or to experience pain. But I challenge us to dig a little deeper and discover the real root cause of these words & behaviours that bring us (and the child) much tension.
In reflecting, we might notice: that the reason we do and say these things has very little in common with what we truly want for children. Did Sam truly want Tasha to tip-toe around the park, on high-alert for all possible catastrophes? No. He wanted her to fully embrace the moment, be curious, play with abandon, run with vigour, jump and dance, tumble and fall, and get back up again. He wanted her soak up that abundant moment, warts and all. Once we figure this out, we can return to our truth: that we are all in a process of learning & growing…and for that to happen as it should…we need to get out of our own way (and, our child’s way). That’s where real freedom begins.
Could Tasha have hurt herself at the park? Of course. She also could have hurt herself on the way to the park, or at home, or on her bike,…etc. etc. The question is: what is the cost of projecting this fear-based story onto Tasha? And, what might the benefits be of gently questioning that story and returning to the present moment? In other words, what side of the equation do we want to operate from: fear and doubt or love and reality?
The next time we notice yourself stopping a child from splashing in a mud puddle, or we rushing in to cleanup that spilled milk before giving the child a chance to do so, or we snatch that toy out of the child’s hands because “they just. won’t. learn. to share”….
?TRY this:
? Step 1: notice your body’s response
(“what’s going on in my body right now?”)
? Step 2: in a spirit of kindness, meet up with your thoughts
(“what thoughts are knocking at the door?”)
? Step 3: once acknowledged, express gratitude and let those thoughts know you’ve got this (“Hello again, Past & Future fears…I’m Present. Stay as long as you need…I’ve got a seat for you over there.”)
? Step 4: bring yourself back to the present moment (“what do I see, hear, smell, taste, feel around me?”)
? Step 5: In returning to the present, you align with truth and peace follows (You notice that you and your child are just fine in this situation. Now, you are open to all that this moment has to offer.)
