What if…we didn’t have children solely because we love children and we want a family.
What if…we didn’t become educators just because we love children and we want to teach.
What if…we began these journeys with because we wanted to grow.
Children offer us an invitation to grow. Working with and raising children is both rewarding and challenging. And when we expect the challenges will come, and understand that those challenges will force us to grow, we begin to work from a place of acceptance rather than resistance.
Why is it so challenging at times to work with children? Because children are mirrors. They force us to look at ourselves over and over again. Specifically, they invite us to look at the child that lives inside every one of us—the child that wants to be seen, heard, and known. And the more we resist, the more we invite unhealthy and problematic ways of being into our relationships with the children in our lives.
If you have children, or work closely with children, you know what I’m talking about.
As a parent, it might look like: your little girl, a toddler, expresses an angry outburst when struggling to put on her shoes. The trigger for the parent might be: the angry outburst. Why? Perhaps the parent was not allowed to express anger as a child, because she was told “good girls don’t yell”, or perhaps they were reminded “to let it go—its not such a big deal!”. As a child, this forced the parent to repress these emotions, because this messaging outlined that anger is bad, anger is not for little girls to express, etc.So, when their child, who happens to be a little girl, expresses anger—the parent is completely uncomfortable with her display of emotions. The parent never learned that anger is a part of the human condition, that it was healthy to feel and express it. So, the parent doesn’t know what to do with her child’s anger—and feels compelled to offer her child the same messaging that she received as a child—anger has no place, anger must be repressed not expressed.
So, when their child, who happens to be a little girl, expresses anger—the parent is completely uncomfortable with her display of emotions. The parent never learned that anger is a part of the human condition, that it was healthy to feel and express it. So, the parent doesn’t know what to do with her child’s anger—and feels compelled to offer her child the same messaging that she received as a child—anger has no place, anger must be repressed not expressed.
If you’re an educator, it might look like: you ask a child in your classroom to sit at the lunch table. They immediately refuse and continue to play, completely ignoring your request. The trigger for the educator might be: the non-compliance. Why? Perhaps the educator was expected to comply by his parents and educators as a child. He was told “If you don’t listen, you’re going to be punished”, or “I am the teacher, and I’m in charge. Now, do as I say!”. As a child, this forced the educator to ignore his inner compass and simply comply to the will and direction of the adults in his life.
So, when a student in his classroom does not comply—the educator is uncomfortable with the non-compliance. The educator never learned that it’s OK to speak up, to resist demands, to have a voice. So, the educator does not know how to navigate situations when his students express themselves, especially if it’s in direct opposition to his request or rules. The educator, with no tools on how to handle the situation, is driven to fall-back on what he was taught as a child: to force compliance, whether it be by punishment or acts of dominance.
Both of these situations sound pretty discouraging (and perhaps familiar). But, of course, there are ways to grow and learn from our own childhood experiences if we are willing to do the work—so that we can meet up with the children in our lives in a way that does not repeat the same cycles we experienced all over again.
And, simply knowing that we don’t want to repeat these patterns is not enough—we can’t ‘force’ or ‘will’ this shift. It must happen authentically—from the inside out.
Beginning to Change from the Inside-Out
Time spent with ourselves is key. We need to take time to get to know our inner child—the one who was oppressed, silenced, forced into limiting gender roles, etc. Whatever the wound—we need to meet that version of ourselves and ask it what it wants us to know. We need to give it a voice, to let it speak up—and we need to listen.
It might look something like this: I notice that, as an educator, I really struggle with flexibility. I am very rigid in my approach, my schedule, my expectations of the children.
With a pen and paper in-hand, I begin to reflect and write down: My inner child, the one who was forced to follow strict rules and routines, what would you have me know?
Then, pause. Wait. Don’t force a response, just let it come. It will.
My inner child begins to speak up: “I want you to know that sometimes I needed flexibility, but I was too scared to ask for it. I want you to know that sometimes I felt sick and didn’t want to go visit Nana, but I went anyways, because I didn’t want to disappoint my parents. I want you to know that, at school, my teachers promised punishment to anyone who deviated from the schedule or rules just slightly, and so I learned that being human and making mistakes was not OK. This made me nervous, sad, scared, and I felt unseen and unheard.”
I might continue to conversation with my inner child by asking: what do you need from me now?
Again, pause. Wait. Don’t force it to speak. It will when it’s ready to do so.
My inner child responds: “I need you to let me off the hook. To give me some space to make mistakes, to change my mind, to speak up and alter plans if that’s what I need. I need you to start hearing my voice and honouring my limits—even if it means we don’t follow a routine or specific expectations.”
If you are aware of IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy, you may be familiar with this process. I share it with you because…it works.
When we start to listen to the parts of us that carry wounds, we are better equipped to meet up with them when we see them displayed in others—the children in our care, for example.
As you learn ways to work with the part of you that was repressed, silenced, expected to conform—you learn ways to work with children who express themselves freely, who expect your time and attention, who don’t always follow the rules, and who make mistakes.
Children invite us to grow. It is my hope that this approach might help you get to the heart of why a child might be triggering you—and provide you with a roadmap to heal from the inside-out.
The “Children as Mirrors” Exercise
Try it Out:
1.) Bring to mind a situation with a child that is triggering to you. This means it evokes strong emotions inside of you, which sometimes propels you to respond in ways you wish to change.
2.) Get to the heart of the matter. With pen and paper in-hand, ask yourself: What part of my inner child does this bring to mind? In other words, which part of the situation is triggering for you—this is likely where your wounded inner child is found.
Give it a name, for example: Inner Child ‘who was forced to obey’ or Inner Child ‘who was expected to hide her anger’.
3.) Inquire and Listen. Ask that part of your inner child: What would you have me know? Then wait and listen. Allow it to respond and write down what it is telling you. Let it tell the story of it’s pain.
4.) Go deeper. Now, ask that part: What do you need from me now? Wait and record it’s response. Let it tell the story of how it would like to heal.
5.) Follow the roadmap, and continue to check-in. At this point, your inner child has told you what it needs, it’s your job to begin to listen. This gets easier if you continue to check-in with it.
If you find yourself falling off-course again (which we all do), checking-in again is especially important. Let it offer you reminders, or bring something new to light that can help you continue to grow.
6.) Watch your relationships transform. The more you honour that wounded, inner child—the more you will see your relationships with children (& everyone else) change for the better. The triggers will get less intense, and over time, will lose their grip altogether. And as this happens, you make space to show up in the lives of others (and yourself) with openness, integrity, and authenticity.
