“Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives”. -Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score
What is a ‘safe connection’ when it comes to relationships? Are we exclusively talking about physical safety? Perhaps that’s the first thing that comes to mind because it’s a concrete distinction. Personally, I believe that when we talk about this concept of “safety” in the context of relationships, we are actually alluding to social connections where we have an authentic sense of belonging. And, according to Brene Brown (…who else would we go to for the very best definition!?) “true belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”
Lately, I’ve been on a personal quest to find and nurture relationships with individuals that value and cultivate belonging, so it’s been on my mind a lot. In broad terms, these are relationships that make space for both individuals to show up as their true, authentic selves. On a more nuanced level, I’ve discovered that these important connections often also include the following:
- BOUNDARIES: The freedom to say “no” or set personal boundaries, without over-explaining or extensive justification. And, for that “no” and/or boundary to be honoured. You are not expected to abandon yourself for others.
- RIGHTS: The right to voice opinions, desired, needs, and ideas. And, for that to be truly seen and heard. The right to change your mind, to make a new plan, to be contradictory at times.
- OPEN-MINDEDNESS: An element of curiosity and an understanding that individuals are complex and multi-faceted. Both parties want to get to know the other individual and do not jump to generalizations, labels, or conclusions about “who I am”.
- TRUST: Trust is foundational. This means you protect the relationship and the vulnerabilities that take place within it.
- UNDERSTANDING: Believing the best about the people you can trust, not the worst. Giving them the benefit of the doubt, or time and space to be human. People aren’t robots.
- SELF-RESPECT AND SELF-RESPONSIBILITY: Both individuals are self-reflective and actively responsible for their own well-being. They understand that how they show up in relationships is important, and they consider how they need to take care of themselves to do so. No one can pour from an empty cup.
- SUPPORTIVE: Individuals can share their defeats and wins, and there are supported. If facing a challenge or a success, encouragement is offered in return.
How does this translate to ways of being with children? When we think about our role (whether it’s a parent, caregiver, or educator), we often talk about the importance of belonging. And, there are special ways to consider belonging as it relates to children.
Revisiting the definition of ‘belonging’ above, let’s reflect consider this in the context of working with children: - Fostering Boundary-Setting: Do the children in our lives say “no” or “I don’t like it when…”, etc.? What is our role in helping children recognize and assert their limits?
- Honouring Children’s Rights: In what ways do we encourage children to honour their inner wants, needs, and preferences?
- Practicing Open-Mindedness: In what ways do you cultivate and nurture your personal lens of curiosity and open-mindedness? Think of specific practices that position you to view children (and yourself, your partner, your colleague, etc. from this standpoint.
- Establishing and Maintaining Trust: What role does trust-building play in your relationships with children (i.e. What does it “look like”)? When a child is honest and vulnerable, how do you nurture trust? What might be some tell-tale signs that a child trusts you?
- Conveying Understanding: Do the children in your care receive “the benefit of the doubt”? In other words, do you believe in the best version of them (i.e. unconditional, positive regard)? If so, what does this “look like”? In times where you’ve perhaps “jumped to conclusions” that are negative or limiting about a child, how might you re-consider this perspective? In this case, consider if a negative or limiting stance is beneficial to your relationship and then brainstorm new ways of being from there.
- Encouraging and Practicing Self-Care: In what ways do you take care of yourself emotionally, physically, and mentally? And, how does this enable you to cultivate a sense of belonging with children? Children, by nature, will require care from attentive and nurturing adults. And, perhaps there are ways of practicing self-care that children can engage in as well? Do you believe that children can also engage in self-care? Imagine some of the children in your care: in what ways do they engage in self-care? When we image some of these ways of being, we can then consider our role in honouring and nurturing their personal agency in this area.
- A Supportive Stance: When a child experiences defeat, how might you respond? When a child experiences an achievement or breakthrough, how might you respond? What is our role in acknowledging children’s failures and successes? Is our perspective as important as their own? How might we support children in acknowledging their own failures and successes?
When children can show up as their truest selves, and be fully received by their caregivers, a sense of belonging develops. And, from that sense of belonging, they are empowered to continue to be and know who they are, to express themselves, to be curious and creative, to take risks, and to be fully alive.
