When I was growing up, I never heard one woman say anything good thing about her body.
I also never knew a woman who wasn’t on a mission to change her body in some way.
And, as a child, not a single Christmas passed without someone saying “I’ve got to lose this holiday weight before summer”, as they ate their festive meal.
Or, how when the miniature chocolate bars came out for Halloween, adults seemed afraid of them, noting they were “sneaky” little treats that subtly added another “dreaded ten pounds”.
When I was a child, all of these ways of thinking seemed to be the norm. Honestly, to my young mind, it was as if a great ‘divine mix-up’ had taken place, and somehow every woman on earth had been given the wrong body. And, food—the thing we need to survive—was merely a tormenting burden to bear.
The media also doesn’t help the situation either, with the ever-idealizing of the “perfect body”. Magazines ceaselessly rave of the next fad diet that could solve all your problems. And, there seems to be a never-ending parade of products, potions, and lotions flooding the market—all a stark reminder that there’s something wrong with the skin we’re in.
This was the culture I (and I suspect many of you) grew up in. And, for me, it’s been like a cage I couldn’t escape for many years (and is still difficult to escape some days). This, of course, gets me thinking a lot about our children.
What if children grew up—not just accepting—but befriending their bodies? What if children knew that their bodies belong? What if they understood that the bodies they live in were the exact, right fit—despite size, shape, appearance, or ability? What if children understood the precious, reciprocal relationship they can have with their bodies—that their bodies give to them, and they give back—and, instead of hating and neglecting their bodies, they learned to be kind and nurturing to them?
Like many of the most significant things in life, learning to appreciate our bodies starts in the early years. So, I’ve done some digging to try and understand how we can help children build a positive relationship with their bodies and food.
Supporting Children’s Positive Relationship with Food and their Bodies
To begin with, let me say, I do not think we are born with an unhealthy relationship to food or our bodies. How many toddlers do you know who are fretting about eating a piece of birthday cake? Or who stand in front of a mirror staring down at their stomachs with despair? Instead, I do believe this is something we learn and acquire over time, from a multitude of sources.
And so, this isn’t about viewing the young child as having an inherently flawed relationship with food or their bodies. It’s actually about understanding that they likely have a pretty neutral (or even healthy and joyful!) relationship with them AND we can support them in continuing to lean-into those natural tendencies.
Here’s a few ways we can do this (in just about any context…school, home, childcare, etc.):
- Start with what I call “Setting the Table”:
What I first like to think about here is: how we set up the environment. In many cases, a calm and relaxing environment, with minimal distractions, allows children to pay closer attention to their hunger cues, their food preferences, and offers an opportunity to meaningfully connect with others over a meal or snack. Let’s discuss some of these elements further:
A Calm and Relaxing Environment: It becomes almost impossible for anyone to fully taste their food and monitor their hunger cues as they eat, when we’re overstimulated and distracted. Perhaps at your next mealtime, you could step back and notice if you and your children (or students) are feeling pulled away by distraction or ‘busyness’ in the surrounding environment, and then, from there, make small shifts towards a more simplified, focused atmosphere.
Time and Space for Connection: Meal or snack time is a great opportunity for everyone can put aside their screens, tasks, and to-do lists—to build enriching relationships with each other (and the food they’re eating). Some meaningful questions or conversation-starters might be:
~Tell me about the best part of your day?
~Tell me about the hardest part of your day?
~What made you laugh today?
~Did you have to be brave today? Do you want to talk about it?
Another important element to remember is your contribution and participation as the caregiver to the environment. It’s equally as important that you use this time to treat mealtimes as a sort of ‘sacred time’: where you set aside everything else to ground yourself in good conversation and notice your own body, hunger cues, and preferences as well. I firmly believe that children are closely watching what we pay attention to and what we value, as a sort of launching point for their own values. So, by prioritizing this time as a sacred and grounding space for connection and enjoyment, you can convey that to your children as well.
Something else I’d like to offer is that these are sort of ‘starting points’ for “setting your table” or environment for eating—It’s equally important to consider your individual family and where these guidelines make sense and where you may need to make some adjustments.
For example, children with special rights or neurodiversity might have difficulty focusing on their food without some form of stimulation or movement—and its’s important to honour this and include it as part of your family’s ‘ideal setting’ for mealtimes. There is no one-size-fits-all approach here.
2. Play some “Hunger Games” (not like in the movies!):
An important element of supporting our children’s relationship with food is to connect them to their bodies. The pressures and messaging in our society often lead us to disconnect from our bodies around food—we can be tricked into believing that our body shape and size is more important than honouring our actual, human need for food or the pleasure of eating something we enjoy. Instead of considering: am I hungry? Or, do I want this delicious food?—we can find ourselves completely severed from those sensations and healthy desires. Food and eating becomes a mental exercise of calculating calories, following a limiting diet, strict meal plans, rules, and so on.
So, how do we support our children in honouring their body’s needs around food?
This is where the “hunger games” come in, so to speak. Here’s some fun and informative questions you can offer your children in the early years to help them remain connected to their body’s hunger cues:
For children who are pre-verbal: we can teach children simple sign language as a substitute for “more” or “all done”. It’s important young children have means of communicating their needs and desires around food. And the more we are consistent in modeling and teaching these simple signs of communication, the quicker they will pick it up and use it effectively. For example, every time we ask them “do you want more?” we can emphasize the word ‘more’, pair it with the hand sign, and follow up promptly with more food. If consistently implemented and repeated, children who are pre-verbal will eventually follow your lead and use sign language effectively to communicate their hunger needs and wants.
For children in the early days of expressive speech: we can use simple analogies like:
~ “Do you feel as hungry as a lion or as hungry as a mouse?” (lion indicates a big meal, whereas mouse indicates a small meal or snack)
~ “Is your stomach this hungry (use hand gesture to indicate small portion) or this hungry (use hand gesture to indicate large portion)?
Pairing hand gestures with these descriptive analogies can be very helpful for children in the early days of verbal expression and continue to assist them in remaining connected to their bodily cues.
For children with developed speech and cognition: we can begin to use a 1-10 hunger scale and pair this with questions like:
~ “On a scale of 1 to 10, how hungry do you feel?” (the lower the number, the less hungry the child feels)
Something you may be noticing is how the word “feel” comes up in many of these questions. This is a small but important distinction. By using the word “feel” as often as possible, we encourage children to connect with their bodies and sensations, instead of ‘thinking’ their way through this process (which really makes very little sense when we consider that eating is a bodily function).
When we encourage feeling, we also shift away from the endless rationalizing of what “were allowed to eat”, support a lessened focus on body size and shape, and move away from ‘rules’ or restrictive guidelines about food.
3.) Remember to “Speak No Evil”:
The language, beliefs, and attitudes we carry is significant when we consider how children will learn to relate to food and their bodies. This is where the crucial ‘inner work’ begins.
At this point, I believe it is important to note that if you suspect your relationship with food or your body is impacted by trauma, chronic stress, a medical condition, or an eating disorder—professional help will not only be beneficial, but an absolute necessity. Finding a support group, therapist, physician, or specialist may be just the support you need to thoroughly and effectively address these dynamics.
That being said, here are some things to consider if you are looking to develop your understanding of how to convey positive messaging around food and body image:
Food is not “good” or “bad”: It’s important to support children in understanding that there are no foods that are “bad” or “evil” and there are no foods that are “good” or are sitting on a “pedestal”. In short, we need to create a level playing field for all foods. Here are some examples of unhealthy and confusing messaging that emerges from this dynamic of “good/bad” foods:
~ “Bad food” (often associated with food with low nutritional value) is a “coveted treat”, reserved only for “good children” who obey. But, don’t eat too much “bad food” because it will make you overweight and unlovable.”
~ “Good Food” (often associated with food with a high nutritional value) is “a requirement for healthy living” and is the only food we get when we’re “bad children” who disobey or “haven’t been good enough”. We need to eat lots of “good food” because it helps us “stay in shape” and ensures we are lovable.”
I mean….how confusing and frustrating is all of that?! And these are just a couple of examples.
And, did you know that there’s ample research to suggest that the more we use condemn some foods and worship others—the more we drive children to overeat the “bad” foods and avoid the “good” foods? This dynamic or way of thinking negatively impacts our children on many fronts.
Instead, creating a level playing field is key—with the removal of judgement, punishment and shame. By focusing on a more balanced, varied approach that emphasizes the nourishment and experience of food, we help children understand that “all foods belong” as part of a healthy diet.
4.) Is it “Picky Eating” or “Knowing Thy Self”?
Did you know that some children smell and taste flavours more intensely than other people and that turns them off to a lot of food? In fact, children have more tastebuds than adults in general. At the same time, “picky eating” can be both concerning and frustrating for parents and caregivers. The important thing to remember is not to panic. But, how do we just “stop panicking” when we’ve received heaps of information about how important it is to eat “good, healthy foods”? Often, the panic and concern we can feel goes back to some of the entrenched messaging we’ve received for years. And, the more we panic, the more urgency and forcefulness we bring “to the table” at mealtime.
Did you also know that anytime we “force” something on someone else, they will most certainly resist and become defensive? It’s a natural response. This is why I say that it’s important to recognize that our children won’t instantly wither away if they’re not eating all their vegetables. We can acknowledge: yes, it’s true children have nutritional needs. And, it’s also true that fixating or forcing the matter will only create more pushback.
So, what can we do?:
~ Variety for Variety’s Sake: We can ensure we offer a variety of foods (even if they are hesitant to eat them). Exposure and choice matters.
~ Encourage Over Forcing: We can encourage small tastes instead of forcing quantities of food upon them.
~ Choices, Choices, Choices: We can involve children in the meal planning process, to remind them that they indeed have agency regarding the food they eat.
~ Authentic Noticing: When we encourage small tastes, or acknowledge when a child is breaking away from their norms to try new flavours, it’s important we notice this behaviour—in an authentic (and normalized/somewhat subtle) manner. Again, children can sense all forms of coercion or insincerity, which will only drive opposition. Noticing with authenticity might sound like “I noticed you’re trying carrots again. Sometimes, food tastes different the second time. Let me know how it tastes this time.” (in a positive tone) instead of “OH, look at you! Eating carrots! They are so yummy! Look, I’ve got carrots too!”. Do you feel the difference in these two approaches?
We also often say things like “you don’t know what you’re missing!” if a child is reluctant to eat something that we enjoy eating. But, what message does this send? In some ways, we’re saying we know what they will like more than they do…which is not exactly language that supports children in knowing , trusting, and listening to their bodies.
And, as a final note, consider what we convey to children when we believe and reinforce that they are “picky” or “fussy” eaters. How might this way of thinking impact the child? How does this way of thinking impact you? Just some food for thought…
5.) We Are Our Body:
In our culture, we are convinced that our bodies are separate from us. It’s almost as if our bodies are on display—positioned to be judged, shamed, or “worked on”. But the truth is, we are our body—as much as we are our brains, our emotions, our spirits—we are also our bodies. Not separate, not other, not something to fix or appraise. Consider for yourself: can your body…just be?
When we can shift our mindset, learning to let our bodies belong, we can also begin to think and speak about our bodies from a place of acceptance and maybe even…love. And, the words we speak and the thoughts we carry about our bodies have a significant impact on children.
Here’s a couple of considerations on the ways we relate to our bodies:
~ Can we refrain from commenting on our bodies (or other’s bodies) from a place of judgement? (positively and negatively!) This shifts the ‘role of the body’ from something to be judged/altered to something that is inherently part of us (and fully belongs as it is).
~ Can we convey just how fortunate we are to be in these bodies that allow us to do things like play, work, move, and love? (all the best things!) This shifts the focus from appearance to the many gifts our bodies offer us each day.
In the end, we often say that actions speak louder than words. This means that modelling matters—but so do words and attitudes.
A Final Note:
Can we imagine the shift that might result from these shifts?
Since the pandemic, CHEO has reported a 50% increase in children and youth seeking support for eating disorders. This is concerning, and these numbers should reinforce to necessity of these shifts.
But more than that: don’t we all deserve to have a kinder relationship with our bodies and food? Don’t we deserve to be who we were before the world convinced us we needed to be at war with ourselves?
What if we could have an unconditional friendship with food?
What if we could remind ourselves, and our children, that our bodies truly belong?
